retroactive wishes

Music: The Today Show

As a part of my semi-relentless effort to meet junior faculty in my age bracket, I've volunteered to help out at next weeks "new faculty orientation." Now, UT goes overboard with this: it's a whole damn week capped by a Borg-like, neo-fascist singing of "The Eyes of Texas" with the steer sign thrust into the air (it's the same sign heavy metal types use to signify "hail Satan"). Last year I bailed out when I learned it was more than a day (a wise choice, I was told). I bet the Education department or college is to blame. Anyhoo, I don't mind being there a few hours. My volunteerism extends to two.

I am on a four person panel titled, "What I Wish I Knew In My First Year at the University of Texas," or something like that, with three other first years and a moderator. I think they want us to take a "topic," but I decided I would do a George Carlin-style top ten list just to entertain myself (I previewed what one woman is going to say, and she's talking about how she wished she knew how to better manage service, teaching, and scholarship, but . . . there really ain't no magical formula for that; for service, you just got to say "no"). Anyhoo, so here's one for anyone finishing a first year someplace in academe, and especially any new Texas people. What can you add to my currently abbreviated list to make my talk more entertaining and funny?

WHAT I WISHED I KNEW

• TEN: I wished I knew that when they say "UT students" are smarter, this also means they know how to point out contradictions in the syllabus grade policy and will call you out in front of the whole class, thereby causing a week of "I my god I'm naked in the elementary school cafeteria" dreams.
• NINE: I wished I knew that the UT salute and the phrase "hook 'em" has magical, memory wiping effects, just like that memory-wiping flash device in the Men in Black movies. In the event one of my smart students pointed out a contradiction in course policy, all I had to do was salute and scream "hook 'em," and everything would have been ok.
• EIGHT: I wished I knew that everyone doesn't like or use profanity like I do, and that the walls in my building are paper thin, and that if you use profanity during office hours neighbors will develop and use their own rating system.
• SEVEN: I wished I knew that the memory-wiping effects of the UT salute and phrase "hook 'em" does not work so well with faculty, especially after you are chastised for using profanity during office hours.
• SIX: I wished I knew the library system has a ruthless, Draconian book recall system with mercenaries that will demand your first born if you don't return a recalled book in four minutes. If you're away at a conference and art history grad student writing a paper nineteenth century hygiene needs the latest Zizek pony trick, expect it to cost you, big time.
• FIVE: I wished I knew that my department's assigned librarian is our own Good Witch Glenda and, with a magic flip of the wrist, can subdue recalled book mercenaries and possibly order the library second copy of Zizek's latest pony trick so that you can finish your manuscript.

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Ok, that's all I can come up with at the moment. Can anyone help?

Gotta get my day on. Today I'm getting ready to DJ a wedding this weekend. Must get the music together, head up to Guitar Center for a speaker mounting bracket, and figure out how to DJ from a notebook computer. I've never DJ-ed from a computer, but everyone's doing it these days. After checking out the wedding hall, I decided I might do it because where the DJ sets up is far removed from the dance floor--which means no one can get tipsy and spill their booze on the computer.