on the new heights of anal empowerment

Music: iris: awakening The recent product line by the Pampers division of Procter & Gamble is called "Kandoo," which is centered around moist butt-wipes and foaming hand soap. Kandoo is a term for asserting of one's anal acumen as well as the name of an enterprising frog character. I am amused by Kandoo because of the tidy ways in which P&G's marketing campaign is so demonstrative of Freud and Abraham's theory of the anal erotism. As we all know, it feels good to poop and, so the story goes, once kiddies get control of their sphincters (between the ages of two and three, approximately) they discover a new source of pleasure. It feels good to both hold it in and to let it out, and eventually the child associates this pleasure with a sense of mastery.

So no wonder, then, that the childhood version of mastery is described in terms of royalty. The ad campaign for Kadoo wipes (which you can view here) features the following narrative, which accompanies shots of a child taking a shit:

You are master of the toilet! Lord of the Loo! [child pulls off too much toilet paper and it gets heaped into a pile in his lap] . . . well, almost. [Mother's voice] "Do you need me sweetie?" [Child looks defeated and sad.] Don't worry! Now there's Pamper's Kandoo moist toilet wipes, designed especially for children. Simply wipe, and flush away! [little cartoon frog offers box of wipes to junior]. And for royally clean hands, there's Kandoo foaming hand soap! By the time you're done, you'll be king of the throne! [child throw up hands in victorious glee]

One might wonder why the toilet is always associated with royalty, and the answer is money. It is no mere coincidence that the local port-a-potty company in Baton Rouge is "Pot-o-gold": shit is associated with money, and royalty literally sit on their riches.

Why the association of shit with money? Well, it all has to do with love, says Freud. See, when you are a child you observe your parents exchanging gifts (money, flowers, the baby sister, and other objects of barter). The child soon learns to associate affection with the giving of gifts. Then, the child learns that mom and dad are simply thrilled when they shit or pee in the potty. Praising your kid for making doodie is almost universally recommended. The last step in Dr. Phil's "one day method" of potty training recommends a Potty Party:

Step 6: Let the Celebration Begin! When your child successfully goes potty, throw him a potty party. Most importantly, your child can now call his favorite superhero and tell the hero about what he just did! Enlist the help of a friend or relative to play the hero and take the phone call.

If mommy and daddy are throwing you parties for making poo, you'll pretty soon figure out that it's just about the only thing you got to give for love. Hence, shit and pee-pee are associated with money.

Freud later says that the biphasic functioning of the anal sphincter becomes associated with the pleasures of not only giving (passivity) but withholding (aggressivity or "anal aggression"). Anally retentive children can come to associate his or her independence by withholding her turds. Further, some children can translate the pleasures of independence and "mastery" with the shit weapon, and can have fantasies of destruction (e.g., bombing things with their turds).

Horror of horrors, these television ads mask the roots of consumerist fascism. Kandoo is playing with filthy lucre here, and all this praise about mastery can back fire (pun intended, heh heh heh). Be careful with this cheerful frog moms and dads! You may find your toddler defiantly proclaiming "it's mine to mind!" and have a three-foot kingly control freak on your hands. Marketing mastery is dangerous business! Just look what the President has done with the same party line about pooping on "terrorists."

Speaking of control freaks, in related news Slavoj Zizek, certainly a frog of sorts, got hitched. Wow! He really Kandoo! And he looks like, oh, shall we say the anal object par excellence? The bride is beautiful to begin with, but standing next to him I think one is tempted to declare her among the most beautiful women alive. Perhaps proof positive that the "matching hypothesis" can be falsified in fantasy.