oh, the humanity!
Music: Milton Mapes: The Blacklight Trap
Austin-based Whole Foods Market announced in a press release last Thursday that they would no longer be selling live lobsters because it promoted the inhumane treatment of non-humans. Local celebrity and founder John Mackey said that the company places "as much emphasis on the importance of humane treatment and quality of life for all animals as we don on the expectations for quality and flavor." A PETA spokesperson argued that this was a bold move on the part of the company, for dropping a lobster into a pot of boiling water was akin to "felony cruelty to animals if they were dogs or cats."
The company relied on both a seven month report by the European Food Safety Authority , in which the authors concluded decapods feel pain, as well as self-commissioned, three-year longitudinal study by the local outfit, People for the Ethical Treatment of Edibles (PETE). By observing sample families from Austin and Houston, PETE conducted a comparative, ethnographic study to see how crrustaceans were used in Texas households. Their results, although not widely reported out of respect for Texas' cultural diversity, were astonishing.
"Few non-Hispanics have any idea of the ritual import of lobsters for the state, and we were surprised to discover the third largest trading partners with central Texas region were in the state of Maine!" said Fulton Offenshite, director of PETE. "Over the past two hundred years," reported Offenshite, "lobsters have replaced goats and sheep as the chief offering to Tezcatcatl, an ancient Hispanic deity that protects Mexicans from colonization and Anglo-American globalization." The report details what many readers unfamiliar with Tezcatcatl rituals would regard as a barbaric rite: "On Friday evenings determined by positions of the moon, a very small platform with two-foot elevated cross is placed on the dining room table. The family—usually the youngsters—secure a live lobster to the cross by nailing its pincers to each side, and the lobster is left to hang writhing until Sunday, when its arms and head are ritually dismembered and eaten raw," the report reports. Mackey said the news was shocking. "Although I respect the right of all peoples to worship as they please, Whole Foods cannot condone the ritual crucifixion of crustaceans," he said. "The Jews no longer sacrifice cloven hoofed animals to Yahweh," Mackey said. "I don't want to forbid our Tezcatcatl-worshipping customers from worshiping their god," he continued, "so we're working with Morning Star Foods, Inc., to develop a tofu-based lobster-substitute for sacrifice." Currently the lobster surrogate is too mushy to hang properly on the sacrificial crosses, however, a Morning Star representative said their company is making progress on fake lobster thickening agents.