more joy

Music: Nick Cave & the Bad Seeds: Let Love In (1994)

TELEVISION: ". . . Falwell's legacy. GE has recalled a large number of dishwashers made between 1997 and 2001. These dishwashers have a connector that can short-circuit and overheat during normal use, posing a fire hazard to consumers. Consumers can log on at www.geappliances.com for more information."

COMPUTER SCREEN: "Your dishwasher is included in the recall. Based on the information you submitted, you have two options (please choose one): 1. Replace your dishwasher using a GE rebate offer. GE is offering a rebate on the purchase of a new dishwasher, $150 for GE® dishwashers, and $300 for GE Profile™ or GE Monogram® dishwashers . . . . "

NEIGHBOR: "Well, can you tell me how long this will take? I'm old and impatient. Will it be done before I leave town on the 21st?"

ME: "She means June 21st."

MOLD HYGENICIST & CONSULTANT: "Probably. You have to understand m'am that I am a consultant and I write up the protocol. The state of Texas says that I cannot be your contractor because of a possible conflict of interest. Your contractor is Mark from Instar Services, and he'll be doing the work. When he's finished, I will come back and test the air quality. Now, in my experience, this can take two to four weeks."

ME: "So, what are you recommending for my side?"

MOLD HYGENICIST & CONSULTANT: "Unfortunately your cabinets are moldy. I'm going to recommend they go up four and half to five feet. They'll need to remove your first set of cabinets here [points out a square area] and pull out your dishwasher."

ME: "The dishwasher has been recalled anyway."

MOLD HYGENICIST & CONSULTANT: "Well, then, I guess you can do it all at once. Now, since your counter is all one piece, they'll have to remove it too, your sink---basically this whole wall."

ME: "What about the tile back? Will that have to be broken up?"

MOLD HYGENICIST & CONSULTANT: "Yes, that will come out to about here [points out area. Now, there are tile specialists that can take the they take out and remove the adhesive and so on and put it back in. That's if they no longer make the tile, though. They may make it still."

ME: "Yeah, but that's a complicated pattern."

MOLD HYGENICIST & CONSULTANT: "You'll have to talk to Mark about that. Basically, your whole kitchen and dining area will be off limits for weeks.

ME: "Oh, shit. What will I do about food and so on?"

MOLD HYGENICIST & CONSULTANT: "Your insurance company should give you a per diem for eating out. You may want to get yourself a little fridge and keep it upstairs. Sorry about the complications, it's the state of Texas' fault. It'll all be over in a month or two."

DENTAL HYGENICIST: "You take very good care of your teeth."

ME: "Wank wooo."