minneapolis or busted

Music: Social Distortion: L.A. Prison Bound (1988)

Location: Dunn Bros. Coffee, Downtown Minneapolis on Washington Street

Reconstructed fragments of a very sweaty morning, long long long line, plane's boarding first class:

"Sir, this suitcase is too heavy. You need to lose seven pounds or it'll cost you $25."

"Oh, that's not good. It must be all those gifts of Kinky Friedman's 'Politically Correct' Salsa."

"Well, you cannot take that out for carry on, as it is a liquid; the Jim Beam definitely cannot go on. You should leave that in your suitcase."

"Can I take this over to the side and figure it out, so I don't hold up other people?"

"Yes, next . . . ."

"Ok, I took out my toiletry bag [meter shows 49 pounds]"

"Do you have any hair gel or toothpaste in your bag?"

"Uh, yeah."

"You can't take that on the plane with you either, put it back in the suitcase." [miraculously it's still not quite fifty pounds]

"ID please"

"Take your shoes off please"

BEEP!

"Sir, walk back out and take off your belt."

BEEP!

"Sir, we need to do a manual search. Please step over here to the left."

[using finger in belt loop to hold up pants, half-naked, I sit]

"Hello sir. Pursuant to [Peanuts' teacher voice] . . . I need to alert you that we have private screening available. This can be embarrassing to some people."

"No, that's ok. I'm pretty sure I don't have anything up anywhere."

"Well, just a so you know I offered. Please face the fall, arms out, palms up."

[10 minutes later, dressed]

"Now boarding sections one through six. Final call for flight blah blah to Dallas/Fort Worth"