deity?

Music: Arcade Fire: Neon Bible (2007)

The question reserved for second dates is usually something like, "do you believe in god?" There are variations, of course: "what is god to you?" or "what is deity?" Before we were dating, or in our not-dating dating (or the prelude to a date)---regardless, before our first kiss on August 17, 2006---I remember going to Barfly's here in Austin and asking Brooke this question. Initially I think she thought I was being cynical, but I think when she knew I was earnest her response was impressive: "Can I respond to that later? I don't know what I would like to answer."

Answering varieties of this question---second only to "am I gay?"---occupied me until well after puberty and the achievement of a driver's license. On this side of Heidegger, learning how to ask the question of deity is now part of the problem.

I surprise myself when I find myself talking about deity in class, like yesterday when we were discussing Nietzsche's "On Truth and Lies in a Nonmoral Sense." We read the opening remarks about the arrogance that is the possibility of knowledge, and I recall fielding the class: "where have you heard this argument before, the notion of human arrogance vis-à-vis knowledge?" Well, there was Kant, but we didn't "go there." Instead we went to church: "isn't this often the argument of preachers, that to deny the existence of deity is horribly arrogant?" I doubt Nietzsche would have liked that comparison (or maybe he would have?). But I think the students were more willing to take Nietzsche seriously as a result.

As I was lecturing I remembered a question my shrink asked me in our first or second session: "what is your spiritual life like?" I responded that I was a Mason, and this helped to quell my thirst for ritual. She then asked me the question of deity. My response was Nietzschean, in a sense: "I am not so arrogant to assume there isn't deity; I just don't know." She then said this was similar wording in some sort of Jewish ceremony she had just participated in.

And this week I picked up Arcade Fire's most excellent sophomore effort, Neon Bible, a brilliant exploration of the question of deity (and theodicy). I mean, this album is very, very good---very smart, very open, and very thoughtful. The organ on a "Intervention," recorded live in one take, is pure pop music genius ("working for the church while your family dies . . . "). I was reading an interview and Win remarked that Neon Bible "is addressing religion in a way that only someone who actually cares about it can. It's really harsh at times, but from the perspective of someone who thinks it has value." My sentiments about religion, exactly, especially my evangelical Baptist background.

I am agnostic. I became that way when I watched someone I considered a "father" die slowly and painfully from cancer. Jesus became, well, "just alright with me" that night, when Sonny died. Jesus became a real asshole when I was helping pick out the casket (because the family was too distraught to do it). I stopped being angry about Jesus when I started reading more philosophy. Now I don't really know what I think about Jesus or the other important prophets. I don't think, however, there's any urgency in making up one's mind. I was forced to be absolutely certain about Christ by the age of 13, so I'll take my sweet time, thank you.

I'm not inclined to think Jesus is god, though, because he said so. More and more I think the Buddhists have got it right ("what's the frequency, Kenneth?").

It has always struck me as strange how some people describe me as a "spiritual" person, and others, as an atheist. I suppose either label has to do with one's attitude toward the question of deity, how it is asked and how one is predisposed to answer. Can I claim to be spiritual as an agnostic, because I leave open the possibility of spirit (I mean, as a music-lover I absolutely must leave open the possibility of spirit to listen)? And some of the best people I know are born-again.

I have always admired the Quakers. I have told my parents and lovers that if I die before I really want to (which is, well, likely I suppose) that I would prefer a Quaker service. Deity sounds safer---and certainly more egalitarian---with the Quakers.