Call for F-NCA SPARKLE! Submissions

The editors of SPARKLE! the offawl organ of F-NCA (Former Nutless Corporate Accomplices; props to Shaun for the logo!), is seeking submissions. We're actually not sure what kind of submissions we're seeking, but we'll print the best ones in our debut zine, to be distributed at the UNconvention site next week.

Actually, on second thought, we'd like a few things:

(1) Grayscale headshots (the head-to-shoulder kind, thank you). We're looking for headshots that resemble those of our rival publication, SPECTRA. The more professional, cheesy, and stiff the better. Brownie points to you if you wear a ruff collar. Double-brownie points if you wear revealing leather corset and are on a leash. The best headshots will receive an honorary administrative position and will have a column or report to abide their hotshot written for them. Lucky you. Or you can write your own column, even give yourself a title. If you do give yourself a title, be sure it is preceded by "Vice-"

(2) Columns to abide the headshots. We're looking for 300-500 word columns that express some viewpoint pertinent to F-NCA members, like the latest outreach program to private school kids in the Georgetown neighborhood of Washington, DC, or a report on one of our stupid initiatives that benefits no one whatsoever. Or perhaps a report on the success of our new policy to ask for donations instead of demands for registration? Get creative.

(3) Grayscale group shots of you and your colleagues receiving some special award; the more awful the business suit attire, the better. Large corsages would be extra special. You make up the caption and the awards you and your colleagues are receiving (e.g., "Best How to Teach in a Trailer Lecture"; "Best Half-Written-and-Put Off Dissertation"; "Lifetime Achievement Award for Windowless Office Occupation," etc.). Just borrow someone's plaque from his or her office to use; we can't read the damn print in a group photo anyway. Hell, hold up a vacuum cleaner, we don't care.

(4) News of your publication or grant +in another field+ Did your "Janitorial Solutions to Queasy Crowds" appear in the QUARTERLY JOURNAL OF BLEACH four or five years ago? If so, we want to know about it!

(5) Mangled job ads. Did SPECTRA screw-up your job add this year? Let us print it in our classified section; we can screw it up BETTER!

Since the editors hatched this idea yesterday drunk off our assess, we don't have much time. Editor-in-Chief, DJ Joshie Juice, along with his Vice Editors-in-Chief, DJ Swift-Boat and DJ Sweet-Treat, will assemble your submissions into SPARKLE by Monday or Tuesday evening, which will be distributed to key distributors via email, who will print off and staple copies to be distributed at the UNconvention location.

We are assured our current F-NCA director, Jim Aoughneh, will vet the damn thing before its distributed. He said he'll pen us a special message, too.

EMAIL YOUR CONTRIBUTIONS TO: slewfoot@mail.utexas.edu. Please, no mega-huge files.

Thanks in advance for your creativity,

DJ Joshie Juice, DJ Swift-Boat, and DJ Sweet-Treat

Self-Appointed Editors of F-NCA SPARKLE!