an austin update

Music: Einsturzende Neubauten: Tabula Rasa I just posted the following "report" to friends via email. I figured some of you less familiar folk might appreciate the narrative too. Here goes:

Dear Colleagues, Friends, and Those Who Pretend to Be Either for Polite Conversation,

A number of you have asked for an update on moving to and life in the grand city of Austin-or as I like to call it, Aus-Vegas-so I would like to take an extended moment to say things are swell, hot as hell, and, no, I will not be voting for Kinky Friedman for the governor of Texas. I like to be kinky and I like the country artist by the same name, but, I lived through the election and governorship of Jesse Ventura in Minnesota and, just like the Governator and the increasingly long line of Flashy Male Politicians, Kinky smokes a cigar. Never elect a charmer with a cigar, which we all know, as Monica Lewinsky would tell you, is blatant token of patriarchical conspiracy.

Speaking of smoke, it's 103 today, but the weather people are quick to remind viewers (almost gleefully), "with the heat index it feels like 110 degrees." I don't care where you live, the weather people will always behave as if the weather is somehow unseasonable. In Minnesota they always seemed so concerned and surprised that it was going to dip below zero in January; and in Baton Rouge, weather people seemed astonished reporting another hurricane was headed for the Louisiana coast. It's no different in Austin: the "news" consists of the six digit temps here, a murder committed by a UT student, and an over-tuned furniture truck clogging traffic for folks coming in from Bastrop and Houston. Oh yeah, and Kinky Freidman is running for governor. Simply put, it's hot in Austin and the traffic during rush hour is the absolute pits.

Speaking of hot pits: Brad dumped Jennifer for Angelina. It's so hard being pretty.

Anyhoo, so, let me cover the domestics department before I move to intimate apparel and dress clothes. I moved into a cute town home in a tree-covered condominium complex on the northeast side from downtown (it is exactly 6.1 miles from my home to my parking spot at "work"; my parking spot, incidentally, is directly across from my building!). It's quite suburbish looking, but literally six to ten minutes to downtown, so, I'm pleased with the location (I would prefer to live downtown, but I'd have to make the salary of, well, Brad Pitt). I've got about 1500 square feet, which means my home looks less like a museum and more like a bachelor pad. To my right are Ryan and Chase, two nice college students who covet my extra parking space and have been asking to rent it. To my left is Kay Allen, aka Ms. Kay, a feisty 86 year old and former Airstream country-touring type who stays busy with the Pink Ladies and other social groups. She likes to cook for me and we swap cooking magazines. She also likes to tell me how I should keep my patio, and complains about the neighbors' cigarette butts on my side of the carport. "That isn't mine Ms. Kay. I don't smoke," I said the other day. Today she suggested that I put a running board I had on the carport into storage because it was unsightly. I complied. She has jet white hair and a mischievous smile. I visit her about once or twice a week just to say hello check in on her.

The move was relatively uneventful, and at this point, I'm unpacked and almost organized. Reisha visited not too long ago, and we explored the city together: South Congress shopping is fun if you can take the heat; the UT campus is massive; rich people live in pretentious houses perched in the beautiful western foothills; you can get the best Bloody Mary's in town at the Hyde Park Bar and Grill, and across the street, the best veggie burger in town at Mother's; and 6th street is a massive drunken frat boy Mecca on Thursday nights. But, if you've visited Austin for more than two days, you already know its slow magic. The "vibe" of the city is infectious: it starts slow ("so what? It's hot here") and creeps up your legs ("my, that sound is catchy") and then reaches your eyes ("holy cow! Look at that produce section!") and finally your brain ("so much to do!") and heart ("I love it!"). I could write about this for many pages, so for brevity, here's some top five lists:

FIVE THINGS I HATE ABOUT AUSTIN:

5. The weather: Did I mention it was hot? It's been 100 degress everyday for weeks.

4. The length of red lights. Jesus H. Christ, who programs these things? Red lights on average are at least one and a half minutes. I regularly hit a light that intersects with highway 183, which is, I kid you not, four and a half minutes long! A colleague told me last night that she keeps a novel in the car for this purpose! Because the lights are so long in this town, they are routinely run and so you have to wait a little and look both ways when they go green on you (just like some of those intersections in downtown Baton Rouge, only people run lights more here).

3. The access roads along every major highway are crazy. Austin tops every city I've lived in for the most "access" roads. Every major highway has access roads that run one-way along each side. These access roads are also named, brilliantly, the highway that they access (why not call it "Frontage" or "Access Road?"). So, if you're trying to get to the Arrowhead Framing Shop, for example, the directions from MapQuest may say: "Exit 183 West at Burnett Road. Take the ramp onto 183 West, turn a slight right to 35 S, continue East on 183." Get the picture?

2. Bad drivers who don't use turn signals and who are generally not polite. Apparently these exist in Austin too. I thought I might escape them moving here, but they've followed me. You know the kind: they cut you off, they never signal, and when they see you're trying to get over they speed up beyond the speed limit so that they can get into your blind spot.

1. Tex-Mex and Mexican foods. This stuff is very, very bad for you. Reason? L-A-R-D.

FIVE THINGS I LOVE ABOUT AUSTIN:

5. Getting lost: it's always easy to get un-lost here, and getting around town is a breeze! Apparently the city planners decided to use a grid system. So, if I'm lost, I just keep driving and eventually hit a road that I know. It's awesome!

4. Independent record shops: there's a ton of them here, and more than a handful have bin after bin of used vinyl (happy vinyl-hunting Sundays are here again!). Waterloo, a shop off of South Lamar, is an awesome shop with just bout everything you'd expect from an indie music store, with Beatles action figures, books, and employee picks lining the walls (but minus the better than thou attitude so aptly described by Nick Hornby in High Fidelity). Every shop has its own HUGE section called "Texas Music," which is only slightly smaller than the general "Rock and Rhythm and Blues" section. Texans are very proud of their music (and for good reason; the local bluegrass band The Greencards is divine).

3. Grocery shopping: Wow, talk about selection-and just about every kind of hot pepper you can imagine. They have a huge Hispanic market called Fiesta, and on weekends mariachi bands play in the produce section and people dance around the melons. There are two Whole Foods close by (including their headquarters) and a H.E.B. specialty shop called "Central Market," which carries live crawfish when they're in season. I can get any edible or potable that I so desire in Austin-even French truffles.

2. LIVE MUSIC of any variety. Ok, so, if you know me you know I'm a "music guy." I've yet to get my first paycheck, and so am afraid to venture forth for music, but I've already caught some for free without trying at lunch eateries. The Austin City Limits music festival is coming up in September, and the line up is simply mind-boggling! There is also a huger festival called "South by Southwest" that features even MORE bands in the Spring (so y'all come visit!)

1. Tex-Mex and Mexican foods: Good grief this food is so good! There is almost literally authentic Hispanic food on every corner. I have not one, not two, but FIVE mom and pop joints less than a mile from my home. This is dangerous . . . .

As for the university experience, things couldn't be better in my new department. First, the office staff is simply amazing and friendly. Upon my arrival last month, I was given an Office Depot catalog and told to pick out some furniture and supplies! Now, this generosity is tempered somewhat by the size of my windowless office (imagine a janitor's closet and you'll have a good idea of its cavernous expanse). But to compensate I have supplies coming out my nose, and they bought a fake window that emits UV rays to stave off depression (and yes, I've decorated wall-to-ceiling with music posters again). Second, I've been assigned two very energetic graduate assistants to help out with the massive, 250-student class of Rhetoric and Pop Music, which I'll start teaching tomorrow. The technology wired into each classroom is amazing (I'm still too enamored of the chalk board, I guess), but fortunately, the grads will be taking care of all of that. All I have to do is lecture and look pretty.

My colleagues are very nice and friendly, joke a lot, and have no difficulty ribbing the new guy. Last Sunday there was a write-up in the Austin American-Statesman newspaper about my book, which printed with a glossy promo photo of yours truly. The write-up represents a modest attempt to actually report the contents of the book, but for the most part, it's a "look at the crazy guy UT has hired" sort of story. "You haven't been here two weeks and you have your picture in the paper!" Ms. Kay joked, but my colleagues pretended to be less impressed: "Would've been good if the reporter read the book, huh?" "Did the reporter know what he was saying?" Alas, the article makes it appear that I not only plagiarize George Bernard Shaw, but mangled his prose too ("an agonistic is an atheist without his convictions"). There's faculty in the department that have thousands upon thousands of dollars of grant money researching health communication about the AIDS pandemic and, lo, Josh appears in the paper talking about what a fool he is. No doubt this ribbing will continue through October; apparently there will be a write-up about my work on the "occult" on the front university web page just prior to Halloween.

Well, I'm anxious to get into a routine so that I might start researching again. After almost two months away from writing and reading, I'm starting to feel guilty. Being at the University of Texas, where the chair somewhat jokingly reminds one at various meals that "we expect you to publish your butt off," I'm feeling the pressure. It's not a horrible pressure, but pressure nonetheless. I'm anxious to get cracking on the new book project, but before I get there, I have to promised articles to complete before the national conference in Boston in November.

I recognize that I am in the middle of the so-called "Honeymoon" period, and that within a couple of months, Austin's own unique brand of crap will start to pile up. I'm going to hold on to this feeling as long as I can, though. If there's anything that's keeping me from bellowing shrieks of unbridled joy, it's that you are all are not here, and that Katrina has made a number of people I love miserable. I started writing this update days before the hurricane, and I feel somewhat strange sending it in the midst of Katrina's destruction. I'm betting those of you in Louisiana may welcome a distraction (not to mention an invitation: I have plenty of space for your visiting!). I miss my friends and colleagues in Baton Rouge, especially, and look forward to seeing the lot of you in Boston. By that point, I'll be back to my good ol' grouchy self with excuses enough to drink a Hurricane!

Love,

DJ Joshie Juice